Finding Happiness In A Haystack

Give me some happy pill.

I’m happy when my hormones are happy. And it’s really complicated as that. At 5, I am happy to see my Mom smile, to see my Dad laugh and to see my siblings play around the backyard. At 10, I’m happy I got good grades; Mom will be very proud. At 12, I’m happy to be with my friends eating at the school canteen. At 15, I’m happy to find out I have the chance to pursue college. At 19, I’m happy to know I’m graduating. At 23, I’m happy to have found a job. At 25, I wish my life was better. At 27, where are all these anxiousness coming from? At 30, where can I find happiness?

A millennial’s definition of happiness.

I received my first paycheck. I got promoted. My family loves me. I have few but good friends. I have food on the table. I earned some, I lost some. I go to the beach or hike up the mountains. Life is great, I take advise from random posts on Facebook and they dictate what happiness really means: travel, save money, eat voraciously, be with the person you love, enjoy quality time with family. You name it they have it.

Then anxiety happened to me.

I want more. I ache to do more. I like to go to some places more. More means happiness. More means endless possibilities. More means I can conquer the world. I was wrong. Because more means you’re discontented. More means eyeing for things I don’t need. More means I am getting old to do more. More means I’m not enjoying life enough, according to what I read. More means I define my life based from what I see on social media and it’s vast and it’s endless posts of wanting more is totally uncontrollable that I don’t know what can give me happiness anymore. Then I think about things that hasn’t happened yet. I think of the worse. I think negatively and it feels like I’m high on illegal drugs and yet I haven’t even had one. Topsy-turvy. It’s difficult to be anxious. It’s difficult to be happy in the middle of a long line of social media do’s and don’ts based from someone else’s standard.

Then I learned to slow down.

I was reminded to slow down. I saw a reflection that shed light to my endless questions and my darkened thoughts of pure bliss and anxiety. I slowed down. I took a step back. I reminisced. I reflected. From my head above the clouds I learned to bring it to the ground. I looked back when I was younger and remembered what happiness means. To appreciate the little things. To maximize your own potential to do better. To not compete with someone else but to compete with myself. Am I happy? So I choose to battle anxiety. I choose to not meet the standards of society. I choose ME… Yes, I choose to be happy.